my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
