how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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