Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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