So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
