i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
