I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
