rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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