WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
