My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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