so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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