I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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