Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
