Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
