I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
