Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I am midnight drunk by noon
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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