so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
