Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
