This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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