The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We need a shit load of segways right now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
