morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
