yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
