i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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