Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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