He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
