It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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