I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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