So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
