It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
