It's like God shit irony all over that family
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
