I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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