just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The uberlube is also flammable
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If I die, sorry about rent.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
