i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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