He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
