i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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