Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I want her autograph on my taint
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
