And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
