my phone needs a breathalizer
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
