He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
