Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
