She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
