If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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