I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
