my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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