well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
