I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
