I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
