$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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