She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
