the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
