dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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