i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
where are you?
Hypothermia
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
